my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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