She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
