At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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