Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
