The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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