i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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