Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
