The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Can I color on your dick again?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
