I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
