If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
