I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
