i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize