It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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