And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
