So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
