Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
