I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
