I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
