If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
