I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
