I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
