Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
