nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize