Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
