please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
