I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
