i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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