When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
