my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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