Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Me too!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
