Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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