omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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