Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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