my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
