if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
