I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
