i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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