The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
