I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
