Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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