at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
