And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize