i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
