Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
