Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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