Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
