I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
