Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
