you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
