I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
