I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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