i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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