I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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