I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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