i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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