she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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