glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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