Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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