do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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