I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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