I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
