you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
