I hate all girls vehemently.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You are the jesus of drinking
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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