Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize