I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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