its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
