I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
time to smoke my breakfast
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
