He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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