what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
try to milk me bitch
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
